Midnight Therapy With Crystal

And so as kind of a thank you:

This is my gift to you.

Mean people really do suck. That is not a joke.

I may say mean things sometimes, but it's not because I'm mean, it's because I'm a real comedian. The thing is that my humor is stealthy, like that bomber, and it's always more subtle than a person might think at first blush, mainly because that person in question is somewhat retarded, probably.  But the best humor is the kind that isn't shoved in your face, the kind that has to be figured out, relished like a fine wine.  And that's nothing if not me.  For godsakes people, look at my heart.  It's a love heart that is filled with love.  I am totally not one of those people out there who tries hard to appear mean and who are in fact not, who are really just sad people tucked in lonely shells, who think that everybody will like them if only they just make fun of others and especially the weak ones, HAHAHA ISN'T IT FUNNY THAT I'M SUCH A DICK TO SOMEONE ELSE ON MY HAHAFUNNY BLOG WHICH SUCKS.  LOLOLOL DOESN'T IT JUST PROVE THAT I AM SO WITTY AND SOCIALLY SUPERIOR AND PROBABLY FAT.  Hey fuck you, mean person.  The Jesus in me totally stands in fundamental opposition to the Satan in you, and this is primarily because I am not mean.  And so to all you mean people out there I say: icon.

These are somber times omg

I want to talk to you about something very important.

Oh good grief.

Sweet Jesus what's it been, maybe an hour and a half since I made that post below?  And what's happened already? My good name is being dragged through the mud by a bunch of mouthbreathing Corkys who wouldn't recognize enlightened discourse if their own mothers shoved it right up their big fat monkey bottoms. 

I won't call the lot of you baboons because that would be impolite.  Still, you are all baboons.  Not the kind that are smart and can talk with their feet and hands in sterile university laboratories, mind you, but the kind of baboons that have patches of missing hair and go tearing through jungles in search of other lesser baboons with whom they can fight.  Until of course those other baboons turn around and fight back with the ferocity of a thousand tigers and ultimately kill the dumb bald baboons.  I feel sorry for the now-dead mouthbreathing baboons because they never saw it coming, which is due largely, of course, to their pervasive dumbness. 

Having said that, if you think I am a Nazi that is okay.  Or a socialist; communist; materialist; fashionist(a).  You are certainly entitled to your baboon opinions.  You can even write your brazen baboon letters which I know you resent having to write since I disabled my comment thing thereby forcing you, baboon hands and all, to write me directly, thus revealing your stalker email address.   

And so write write write; please just never stop.

I have no tolerance for disagreement ever

Bill Clinton rules and frankly anybody who doesn't think so is not only clearly mildly-to-moderately mentally challenged but also just a real douchetruck.  I don't really give a flying eff if you disagree because it wouldn't be the first time, nor would it be the first time that it was shown, at the end of the day, that I was right and you were wrong, largely because you're a neocon Jesus freak who likes to oppress women and gays.  Oh and black people.

Bill Clinton Rules.

I see that kind of future for us

This is how people need to relate to one another.

I kinda get taken aback

I have Victorian sensibilities.

Big Black Gay

If you've come here after entering the words Big Black Gay or Big Black Gay Man or even Cat Fuck Pant into some random search engine, (which my blog host tells me dozens if not hundreds of you do, wtf,) well, I am sorry to disappoint you by obviously providing none of that.  Alas, it is just me and my big black gay dog, plus a whole lot of awesome.

The Three Faces of Crystal

This is primarily a video blog.  That means yes, I post a lot of videos, but you should know right off the proverbial bat: my videos are not mundane.  They're not Mommy Videos lamenting how the baby spit up on my shirt and they're certainly not Poor Woman Videos (usually) in which I bemoan how awful men are and how rad women are (though that's an idea).  No.  My videos go far beyond that, as does my writing, and I say that with so much humility, totally.

But what will you find when you watch my videos, or read my writing?  "Who IS Crystal?" I hear you asking:  Well, honestly I'm like a tapestry; a mosaic of brilliantly colored semi precious stones which you will never not ever possess.  I'm never the same from day to day which most of you already know: I am new every morning.   (Well, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.)  However, if I had to break it down, I'd say a viewer would usually encounter one of three (very rocking) personalities when visiting my humble abode, and these personalities are:

Crystal, Intelligentsia:  This Crystal is clearly the Crystal which is very Stephen Hawking smart.  She writes with big words (like fallacious and bulldozer) and quite simply dazzles with her lyrical prose.  She rarely writes in this fashion here at this site, however, preferring to house her relevant metaphysical and philosophical musings at her awesome Vox account.  I'm not going to give you a link here because if you haven't already favorited it by now, then basically you're a cockknocker.

Crystal, Politically/Religionly Adept Social Commentator:  This Crystal, quite frankly, is not unlike a supernova and certainly just as hard to contain.  Her passion burns with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns (or supernovae) as it pertains to such subjects as Fundamentalist Christians and the Presidents they tend to vote into office like awful monkey lemming people, as well as the homosexuals of the world and how they are roundly misunderstood as well as totally remiss in not inviting me to their awesome parties.  If this Crystal gets you fired up, then by God, this Crystal has done her job.

Crystal, Egocentric Character Who Shines Lights of Astuteness On All Other Egocentric Characters Which Usually Means You: This is the Crystal you see most often in video form.  She frequently extols the virtue of her own aesthetics (and rightly so), she criticizes others for being sub-par in intelligence comparatively speaking (again, rightly so) but she also oozes a sad kind of insecurity which is of course all just a total act.  This Video Crystal, I have to admit, ends up being a somewhat savvy commentary on all the other people blinded by their own egos and not awake enough to rise up and change the world.  This Crystal, through the revealing of her (figurative) flaws is at her best when she challenges you to examine your own flaws (which, for the record, are far worse than hers, not that she has any).

As one might imagine, I get a lot of letters from ardent fans; some good, some not so good (die, all), and so often I am struck by how misunderstood I truly am.  I hope this helps clear things up:  I, Crystal, am clearly shrouded in mystery, and if you ask me, it's a mystery you'd do well to uncover.  There's real wisdom here, real wit, real intelligentsia type writing (did I mention that). 

If it doesn't help clear things up, however, then you're obviously retarded no offense.

We're not odd

I'm gathering that it scares you.