Moose the Big Gay Dog.
This is my big gay dog, Moose. He's been with us for a week and the only reason I say he's gay is because I really love gay people and have spent months upon months trying to lure them into my life in order to prove what a positively awesome friend to gays I can be, yet with no apparent success. Buying a dog and dubbing him gay seems to be the only real recourse available to me at this point.
Moose flew in from Tulsa last Monday and has grown a half a pound each day ever since. His daddy is 190 pounds so Moose is projected to one day be able to beat y'all's honkey asses with his big gay paws, no joke. When he is on his belly and I am playing like I'm changing his big dog diapers he actually looks like a fruitbat, which is so awesome.
See, in life you need to avail yourself of the things you legitimately enjoy. Why deny yourself the foods or people or clothing you like---or big gay dogs---when life is so short? Why not be happy if you can? I need all the happy I can get, now more than ever---especially since I've come to determine through painstaking experience over the course of seven hellish weeks that all realtors are heartless fascists out to get me.
But that is another story.
Thank you for all the letters! It shows me that so many of us are more likeminded than I previously thought---which is a good thing. We don't always have to agree on the pinpoints, but at least we can come together 
I could go on for days detailing all my issues and complaints concerning our sitting president, but I don't have the time or inclination. 
I refuse to post about American Idol and how retarded it was that Chris looked so retarded when he got booted off the show, after the most retarded voting ever. I also refuse to talk about Lost and how stupid it's become; the writers are all high and they forgot where they started and we're all just watching one big writer LSD trip as they sit in their room having writer orgies and forgetting how to write good television shows. I also refuse to talk about America's Next Top WTF Is Jade Still Doing There because JADE IS OMG STILL THERE and I don't want to break her down in my world famous blog but let's just say she kind of looks like a cracked out tranny. 
It's my birthday and we should celebrate it together by resolving the conflict in Darfur and being something I like to call 